


Saber and Luigi Do Romantic Things

by robotortoise



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series, Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotortoise/pseuds/robotortoise
Summary: This isn't a troll fic....Unfortunately.





	Saber and Luigi Do Romantic Things

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cesau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cesau/gifts).



****_A maid, eh?_   Saber thought as he walked in the direction Boey had pointed him towards. Apparently, said woman was rather busty, too, and she wanted to express her thanks to the brave heroes that had defeated the big, bad pirates. Saber grinned, the idea of a thankful, buxom babe ever so thankful doing wonders for his filthy mind. Then again, he figured he should temper his expectations a tad. It was doubtful Boey had even seen a pair of naked breasts in his life, and the kid likely had warped standards for “buxom”.

Still, long as she was pretty and willing, Saber wasn’t one to complain - all that seafaring made a man’s lust skyrocket. He was just glad their boat had been equipped with portable chamber pots; he’d certainly needed one during those lonely nights…

But enough of that type of thinking! Saber was a hero, now – a real do-gooder. And he wasn’t about to squander the opportunity for some hot village maiden puss, no matter how big her tits might be. He was more of an ass man, anyway.

The path he’d been led on headed straight into an alleyway. _Might as well explore a bit,_ Saber thought, and he walked forward, getting the strong suspicion that Boey had been talking out of his ass. Boy, that kid was in for a scolding when Saber next found him.

Saber noticed a cat sitting in the alley. It was orange and certainly pretty enough, but not pretty enough to be a pet of one of the local villagers. It didn’t look malnourished, though – in fact, it was plump as a cat could be. Must have been eating a lot of fish, Saber decided.

“Jeez. There certainly are a lot of cats here…” He reached a finger out to the cat, curious if it would sniff him. “I don’t suppose you would know where the buxom village maiden went, would you? It seems this way is a dead end.”

The cat looked at him with wide eyes. Saber could swear it was asking, “Why are you talking to me? I can’t even speak, idiot.”

“What the hell am I even doing?” Saber asked. “Why am I talking to cats?”

“Cats are nice. They’re soft and they purr.”

“Eh?” asked Saber. “Who’s there?”

“Oh. H-hello.”

An odd man in a peculiar outfit approached. He was dressed in thick blue trousers with goofy yellow buttons adorning the straps. White, pristine gloves covered his comically large hands, and a green cap with an “L” on it covered his head. He had a thick mustache that was black as the night sky, and his nose was scarily bulbous – Saber felt the oddest urge to give it a good ‘ol whack.

His blue eyes were rather pretty, though, Saber decided. Even if everything else about the man screamed for Saber to grab his sword and slay the human-esque monstrosity. Saber tried not to stare, really. But he couldn’t help it! The man was so…so…

He just wanted to give the poor guy a hug, really. This guy gave off an aura of patheticness.

“I, uh… I’m Luigi.” The man, Luigi, smiled politely. “You kind of walked into my corner, so I thought I’d say hi.”

“Your corner?”

Luigi nodded. “Yeah. See, I’m not from this world. I’m from… Ah, forget it. Look, I kind of had an ulterior motive for saying hi to you.”

Saber stiffened. Was this dopey guy an assassin? Was he going to try and kill Saber for his valuables? That would explain why he lived in an ally – so he could lure his victims in and then strike. Then again, Saber wasn’t exactly easy pickings – this guy would have to be a fool to pick a fight with a skilled swordsman. So Saber didn’t draw his blade, but he kept his guard up, weary of the man in green.

“I actually wanted to know if you had any coins.” As he said this, Luigi pulled out a sack, then inexplicably withdrew the largest, shiniest coin that Saber had ever seen. It looked to be made of solid gold, and must have weighed a ton, yet the man lifted it like it was nothing. “I only carry currency on me from the Mushroom Kingdom, and I want to buy some more food. At least, until I can find a way out of this place.”

Luigi began to jabber on about something or other, and Saber tried to process this. This guy really wanted to sell that giant coin to him? That huge, shiny metal coin, just for some silver pieces? Saber’d have to be a fool to pass that up…if this Luigi guy was telling the truth. But Saber trusted his instincts, and his instincts didn’t tell him this man was any real threat.

He was certainly annoying, though.

“Professor E. Gadd said that the warp pipe should possibly lead to an adventure with a lot of tasty mushrooms, but so far all I’ve seen is a bunch of ugly weirdos and lots of ocean. I think he was joking, but it’s hard to tell with that guy, you know?

For instance, he told me he was going to throw me a party the other day, and he threw a box that was labeled ‘party’ at me. At first, I thought it was a mean prank, but then the box shimmered, and a bouncy house and a clown popped out! The professor said it was a hologram, I think. He’s kind of wacky, but I can’t seem to say no to him. It’s just so nice to feel needed, you know? My brother is always the one in the spotlight. It’s gratifying to get some attention for once.”

Saber was at a loss for words. Clearly, Luigi was insane.

(Un)fortunately for Saber, Luigi seemed to have more than enough to spare.

“Say,” said Luigi, “this place wouldn’t happen to be near Rougeport, would it? I can find my way back to the Mushroom Kingdom if you lead me there.”

“The _what_ kingdom?” Saber asked, firmly perplexed. Maybe he was on some sort of drug. Saber _wasn’t_ too into that scene, but he knew a few friends that had blabbered on like this when they’d been smoking seaweed. “And where the hell is Rougeport? I’m a mercenary, and I’ve never heard of any Rougeport. And I _am_ a rouge! I’d know if such a place existed.”

“Darn,” Luigi muttered, his disappointment making itself clear. He held the giant coin up, and suddenly his mood rubber-banded back to smiling almost immediately. “Well, what about the coin? Are you up for a trade?”

“I… Y-yeah, certainly,” Saber sputtered out, practically drooling at the coin’s utter radiance. “How much did you want?”

Luigi shrugged. “Want to get a drink and talk about it? I could use the company.”

 _He’s not as dull as I thought,_ Saber realized. _He must know how much the coin is worth._ “Yeah, sure,” said Saber. “I spotted a pub right next to the ocean. Let’s head there.”

* * *

 

“And then Mario said he wanted to go party with Bowser. BOWSER! Right after we save the princess from Bowser, Mario wants to go party with him! Even _I_ know that’s a bad idea, and I’m always the one who makes the bad decisions!” Luigi put down the pint of ale, sighing. “And the worst part of it? The princess joined in. The _princess who we just rescued, joined in the party! With Bowser!”_

Saber raised an eyebrow. “And is this is the princess who always gets kidnapped?”

Luigi nodded glumly. “One and the same. And guess what happened immediately after we started the Mario Party?”

“She... got kidnapped?”

Luigi rested his head on the countertop and began to sob lightly. “I JUST WANT TO BE APPRECIATED!”

Saber stared. He’d expected a bit of light chatting and a few beers. Not… whatever this was. Still… that WAS an awfully large gold coin, and Saber had done much worse for a nice chunk of change.

“Sure, there was the year of Luigi,” Luigi said, “but it’s over _now_ ! I’m always the butt of everyone’s jokes, and it just... gets old, you know? Is it too much to ask for appreciation? A little love? Even a little less ghost-hunting, or a little more adventuring? Some days I just want to bash my head on some blocks _without_ a Goomba picking on me. Did you know Goombas don’t even attack me, like they do Mario? They just laugh at me.”

“Ghost-hunting?” Saber asked. “You hunt ghosts.”

Luigi nodded. “And like the ghosts, I feel so invisible sometimes…”

“Ohhhhkay,” Saber said, gently prying the mug of ale from Luigi’s hand. “You know what, bud? Let’s calm down on the ale and maybe the ghosts will go away, hm?” He gave the mug a light tug, but Luigi’s hand gripped it tight.

“Let. Go,” Saber said, pulling harder.

“Let me wallow in misery some more,” Luigi whined, pulling the mug towards him.

“No. I want that coin already!” Saber pulled it back.

“And _I_ want to keep drinking!” Luigi yanked the mug, and Saber went tumbling forward, headed straight at Luigi. Luigi eyes widened in realization, but his drunken reflexes prevented him from moving, and soon as the two knew it, they were atop one another, their lips pressed together tight.

“Mmmmph!” Saber cried, pulling his head up. “W-what the hell are you-?”

Before he could finish, Luigi, against his better instinct, pulled Saber down to the ground with him.

It was then that Saber realized just how strong Luigi was. And how… defined he was, too. As Luigi’s hairy, thick mustache tickled his lips, he realized that even though this was damn weird, he wanted this. He wanted this _bad_.

“Mamma-mia,” breathed Luigi, and he leaned in for another kiss. Saber’s mouth met his, and Luigi felt his pants tighten – Saber was a rock-solid man, and possibly even more handsome than he, and _definitely_ more well-defined.

In fact, Saber’s arms were so meaty, Luigi guessed the taut meat on his arm muscles alone could feed starving Mushroom Kingdom toads for a month.

“Gods,” whispered Saber as he pressed his lips against Luigi’s. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but you’re so… Gods…” He gripped Luigi’s shoulders, rubbing his arms over the former-plumber’s soft shoulders, his touch sending shivers down Luigi’s freakishly deformed spine.

“I think I have another idea how you can pay for that coin,” suggested Luigi, his big eyes gaining a lusty haze.

“I’d be honored,” said Saber, his erect penis now even harder than Thabes’s Labyrinth.

“You have to pay for your drinks, first,” said the bartender, who Saber and Luigi had forgot about until now, as the plot had not mentioned her. She raised an eyebrow and looked at both judgmentally. “Oh, and you’re going to have to cough up a hefty tip for making me witness… whatever that right there was. You think I wanted to see that tonight? Ew, gross. No.”

“Hmph,” said Saber, getting off Luigi reluctantly. “I’ll pay for the drinks, but why the extortion? You think _I_ care what others think of me?”

“No,” said Anna, “but I know Luigi here does.”

“Eh?” asked Luigi. “Why do you think I care? Who are you, exactly?”

“The name’s Anna. And that’s ‘Mamma Anna’ to you, Luigi.” She winked. “I know that episode by _heart_.”

Luigi looked confused. After a moment, it clicked, and his expression turned dour. “Give her what she wants,” he whispered to Saber.

“I’ll sell you some aphrodisiacs, too,” added Anna. “As an apology for killing the mood. A for-profit apology.”

“Done,” said Saber, and he plopped a pouch of coin onto the counter.

Anna grinned and snatched it up, handing Saber a pouch of her own. “Pleasure doing business,” she said cheerily.

“Let’s-a-go the hell away from this place,” said Luigi.

Saber nodded, and they quickly walked out the exit.

“You know what they say,” said Anna, spilling the pouch of coin onto the counter. “All toasters toast toast!”

* * *

 

“Holy fuck,” said Saber, awestruck, as he laid in the bed with Luigi by his side. “That was the best damn sex I’ve ever had. Hot DAMN, where did you learn moves like those?”

Luigi was speechless, his eyes still fluttering from-a the amazing sex he-a had. “Let’s do it again,” he managed to say.

Saber jumped at him, eager for another round.

Or two.

Or four.

* * *

 

In the end, Saber completely forgot about Celica, as Luigi did Rougeport and the Breakfast Kingdom.

Professor E. Gadd was eventually possessed when King Boo freed himself again. The possessed professor renamed himself to Professor Possessor Boo, and he took over the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser and Mario eventually stopped him after engaging on an adventure of their own. Along the way, Mario realized how totally in love he was with Bowser, and so him and Bowser had lots of freaky Koopa sex and Princess Peach was sad.

Celica, without Saber to sate her feminine lust, turned to the nearest man she could find to suit her needs – Xane, a guy that had just kind of appeared one day. Upon request, Xane took the form of Alm, and Celica was entirely distracted from her adventure, instead completely focusing on having lots of sex with Xane-Alm. She never did meet up with the real Alm, and Valentia forever was locked in chaos, an insane Duma at its helm.

But, hey, at least Celica, Xane, Saber, Bowser, Mario, and Luigi all had some _really_ good sex. Why would one care if the world is in ruin if they got laid, like, really good?

 

**Author's Note:**

> If people can write fucking Klermit, I can write this.
> 
> Fuck you, I do what I want.


End file.
